Aylmer Man Slowly Disappearing

Gatineau, QC—The life of Ian Kenney continues to slip away from him even as he reads this article, sources close to the 38-year-old consultant confirmed Monday.

Though the range of opportunities available to Kenney is constantly dwindling, there is reportedly nothing he can do to prevent his existence from slowly marching toward its inevitable conclusion.

"I just thought I'd sit down a couple minutes and see what's in the paper," Kenney said. "Might as well."

Kenney's life, which he describes as "okay," is that of an average Canadian suburbanite, populated by a typical assortment of friends and loved ones. Like those of many men his age, the life has featured a few small triumphs, several notable tragedies, an 11-year stretch in a mid-level management position, home ownership, and an unspectacular marriage that ended in divorce.

Despite its uninspired nature, the life is the only one Kenney possesses. It is unknown as of press time whether this makes his situation any more or less poignant.

"Ian's life is pretty much the same as that of a lot of guys I know," said Kenney's neighbour, Claude Sauvignon. "He just keeps on keeping on, know what I mean? At least he's enjoying reading that newspaper right now instead of slogging through that big pile of paperwork he's got to get through by the end of the week."

This morning, Kenney's life continued to pass him by as he showered, ate rye toast, commuted to work in his Chevrolet Malibu, and maintained an acceptable level of forced politeness while interacting with his supervisor. The passage of his life did not stop, or even slow, during any of these events.

"I like relaxing after work with the paper. It calms me down a bit. You have to take time for yourself every now and then," said Kenney, whose remarks brought himself six seconds closer to the end of his existence.

Experts say Kenney, while aware of the inexorable passage of time, does not comprehend the magnitude of what is happening to him.

"Many people don't truly allow themselves to consider the finite nature of their lives until the end is right in front of them," said Brown University sociologist Geoffrey Gausmann. "Only by distracting themselves with such things as Whopper sandwiches, dirty jokes at the office water cooler, unsatisfying drunken sex with fellow bar-goers, The Drew Carey Show, and newspapers such as the one Kenney is currently reading can they bear the subconscious knowledge that time is always running out."

Observers say the meaninglessness of Kenney's life could be somewhat mitigated if he were to engage in more worthwhile pursuits, such as playing tennis or taking a gourmet-cooking class. However, analysis of the estimated 430 rich, full lives known to recorded history indicates that even such positive, proactive steps as these would fail to cease, or even slow, Kenney's second-to-second erosion.

Projections indicate that the steady ebbing of Kenney's life will most likely end sometime in 2028, when it will finally be halted by his death, a condition which will, in turn, endure until the end of time itself.

(With apologies to The Onion)