ik - from today's G&M:Would you like to hear about my new fantasy man, Mr. Perfect? He's handsome in a fuzzy kind of way, he has no children but is fabulous with mine, but most importantly he adores me!BRENDA SCHWARTZ
Here I am, a middle-aged woman, I've been living with the same man for 20 years, we have three children, and I am fantasizing about having an affair.
Would you like to hear about my new fantasy man, Mr. Perfect? He's handsome in a fuzzy kind of way, he has no children but is fabulous with mine, he loves to cook, he does the laundry and scrubs the toilet bowl, he has lots of money but most importantly he adores me! He thinks I'm the sexiest woman on Earth (if you knew what I look like you'd realize that even fantasy worlds have limits), and he rushes home to be with me for a candlelight dinner every night.
Now I'd like to introduce you to my partner of 20 years. I still think he's handsome although his hair is now turning grey. He has a wonderful smile when he's not overwhelmed by work at the office. He does keep himself in shape by cycling and going to Tae kwon-do three times a week; this cuts into our candlelight dinnertime. He is a devoted dad, coaching soccer twice a week and taking time off from work for school trips. Although he rarely has time to cook he is an excellent chef. He takes out the garbage every week and he doesn't have lots of money but that's because he spends it all on supporting his kids.
So why am I fantasizing about having an affair, you ask? My partner sounds like a pretty good man. Granted he doesn't have as much money as imaginary Mr. Right, but at least the money is going to the kids and not a gambling habit. No, the affair is not about the money, not about the looks, not about the personality. My partner even still finds me attractive, at least that's what he tells me to make me feel good. So on the plus side he's deceitful but only for a good cause -- to spare my ego. When you come right down to it I'm quite lucky to have a partner like him. I must be out of my mind to even be fantasizing about having an affair. But my partner no longer adores me. He does not rush home to be with me for dinner every night and that's my problem. He used to rush home to me but that was almost 20 years ago. That was a time before kids, before overwhelming work, before mortgages, before all the responsibilities we share now. My partner no longer adores me because he doesn't have time. All his time is taken up by the clutter of his life. You need time and energy to adore someone.
I'm not completely innocent in this affair business. I don't have the time or energy to adore him, either -- not like I used to. I'm too busy chauffeuring kids around town, playing hockey and skiing to keep what little shape I have left, scrubbing toilet bowls (okay, that's a lie -- I just think about it), and putting some semblance of food on the table at dinnertime.
So what's a most-of-the-time moral, middle-aged woman like me supposed to do?
Some people I know indulge in innocent flirting to feed their need for passion. Still others take the enormous step and have a real affair. They don't plan to have an affair. It just happens. The usual meeting place for a new romance is at work. No wonder I'm stuck at the fantasy stage -- I work at home, alone. Even our mail doesn't come to our house. Chat rooms on the Internet now also play a role for some in the clandestine dating game.
What do these people have to say about their affairs?
"It's exciting!"
"Someone actually notices what I'm wearing."
"Someone is listening to me."
It doesn't seem to be the real person they're having the affair with who is so exciting, it's the actions so far removed from their everyday tedium that are exciting.
The end of the affair is usually summed up by "He's just like all men."
One woman whose lover suggested she abandon her family and drive off with him on his motorcycle to the United States said it sounded so exciting until she realized that a few years down the road she would be leading the same life with him as she did with her present husband. Children, groceries, trying to make a living. What was the point?
I read once that if you're having a midlife affair you're a hero: "It is a hero's journey nevertheless when, at any age, you are prepared to dismantle seemingly indestructible patterns and be naked to who and what you are becoming. Most of us never start."
Yes, I want to be a hero. I want adventure and passion and joy. I want to get naked. But I realize I don't want a Mr. Perfect to come along and sweep me away in a moment of passion. I want Mr. Alright-But-Too-Busy to somehow find the time for passion in his already hectic life. I want to get naked with him.
For years I've joked with my partner that we should have an affair but we never seem to find the time to do it. If I'm at the stage where I'm contemplating an affair, now must be the time to just do it. Risk the missed meeting at work, the unscrubbed toilet bowl, the rumours at the office. I'm going to call him at work right now. It's time for us to get naked and sing with passion. We can be heroes.
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